Hopeful nerd cum lifesaver

Recently I’ve came across massive hardships and yet to recover from it. It seemed that I’ve lost my sense of belonging while facing these massive tasks, along with my stands and the very thing to which I recourse in difficult time- my sense of security. It’s been very hard to ease my mind, while resting on possibilities that I will never again find comfort or relief. The change is like being restrained from your past, immersed in responsibilities and facing prospects and countless potential wrong turns of promptness and firmness in considerations and especially, especially making decisions.

Maybe a lot of us never really ponder to the proper definition of security. Some told me security equals money, safe, security guards, confidentiality and - surprise, surprise - bank. And when I asked what does security means, some said it is an instinct, it’s a guarantee, something prerequisite for happiness, and safety. Never came across our mind what actually security is and how important it is to have our sense of security. I, for one, always find security in the fulfilment of an obligation, and the protection in doing so. Without a constituent to fulfil, you will always running away from your reality. Without protection, you are vulnerable and easily lose your focus. Without obligation, the irreducible fundamental of the basis of security, you will have no means in your life. Living life with no goals, no real purpose - those who stand for nothing fall for everything.

I thought I had lost my sense of security. Did I change so that I lost myself? Did I do something owing me for this difficulty? Can I get over this? What is my plan now? The answer is I don’t know.

All I can gather now is, this does not need to be solved. (Read: HURRAH !!) It is a solution to itself; and I am the problem. I can no longer be ignorant. I can no longer be unwilling. I can no longer be passive. Life, as it is, bring problems and promises. Maybe it’s time for me to change.

I can no longer be hesitant. The fact that there are responsibilities on board warrants me to take actions. I can no longer be unenthusiastic. Difficult or ease, now is the time to make opportunities. NOW is the time for work. I cannot mould the circumstances into my own comfort. I have to follow the circumstances to fit in my comfort. All these changes are hard. What else can I do? Sit all day and give excuses?

I have always belief that the highest reward for a person’s toil is not what they get for it, but by what they’ve become from it. Changes happen. Although as mysterious as the dark alley behind my rented apartment, life also brings changes. You cannot hold changes forever. Maybe I was wrongdefining sense of security.

Maybe our only security lies in our ability to change.

I was all alone, hugging my knees.

i thought i had it all…  carreer, family, car, rented house, houses, home, a place to bake my bread puddings…

how wrong was I. i still need the missing puzzle. No matter how good Kelantan make me feel, or Putrajaya, or Teluk Intan even; i still feel empty inside.

The sms keep on flowing.. “where were you? we miss you this morning.” “the discussion is not the same without you” “if you cant make it next time, tell me, so i can fetch you and bring you to the circle”

Yes. I miss my circle.

Then my wife call me from downstairs. Lunch is ready.

welcome, to all you freshies, fresh graduate from the school of medicine. i will entertain you now on the job of a doctor, the thing that you’ve been dying to achieve for these recent past few years of your invaluable life.

your first day will be full of awkward innnings, topsy turvy, really poorly done jobs, and left you wondering "what did i do wrong?". thanks for the corticosteroid (i think its from the mineralocorticoids kind) you still able to wake up the next morning, earlier than usual, looking foward for the very next day, rather innocently, and if i may add, simple-mindedly barmy, thinking things can only get better. like the wine, once it popped open, it can only get more and more sour. well, not that i know how wine would taste after it freshly popped open, let alone after 3 days of open fermentation, but thats beside the point. lets get along with the story.

after you incidentally, or so they said,kill someone or two or five; even deep inside, or not so deep inside (depend on your moral values) you know its just another low BP that you’re too lazy to review or acted upon, or another stomach ache on a decrepit, maggot-infested bedblocker with a borderline low haemoglobin, another shortness of breath after a heavy meals - the things that you busily persuaded your tiny circle of concern that less important than your next IV cannulation or urethral catheterisation or blood culture or new admission to clerk-in - the things that ended opinting towards the senior house officer on-call’s fault; you realise that its inevitable that you’re just crap at your job and you can only climb the hill ever so slowly, and you feel so much hatred and agony and loathe and abhorrence and abomination and disgust that you were stuck to this profession for the rest of your life, and you started to envy the janitor, the teacher, the farmer and the serene life of fisherman. they dont have to take the arterial blood gases AND run to the machine AND print the result out AND run to your senior who just stood there with folded arms spitting about this and that. They dont have to do PR afterwards. They dont even know how to arrange for outpatient exercise stress test.

after the hatred, then come the force of unwilling. you’ll become zombified, thinking it’ll be just another day before the next 5 hour sleep, or it’ll be just another 24 plus 9 hours of doing stuff that no one else would dream of (taking blood from people who have arms made out of woods, cleaning wounds that smell worse than yours in your postcall days, speaking to belligerent, rancorous, unsympathetic, formidable seniors for them to see your feeble patients, mopping the floor and desk and walls, change the curtain while wiping the fans clean, and last but not least, do them all in 30 minutes). you’ll stay in this state for the whole week, or if you’re lucky, for the whole 2 years.

if you only take things easy, one step at a time, and realise that you can only take so much that you need to (guess what?) take it all one at a time, and focus, one at a time, you know that its not so bad being an underpaid slave.

like i said, welcome, to the university of life.

Tah la, dah tak tau nak tulis apa.

kalau kat overseas tu, ada banyak je masa nak menulis blog, tapi tak tulis2 pun.

kat messia ni, ada ceramah sana, tazkirah sini, usrah sana, tamrin sini (cewah, tak pergi tamrin pun!), kerja lewat, kerja awal, tapi semangat membuak2 nak tulis blogg…

mungkin lebih bermanfaat masa yang di luangkan untuk tulis blogg ni diluangkan bersama keluarga, ataupun fardi kengkawan di kedai kopi.

mungkin tu yang pelajar2 /dai’e2 oversea tak boleh buat. mungkin saya je yang terasa bagus (who knows?)

"sekumpulan daripada umatku akan berterusan menzahirkan kebenaran. walaupun terdapat mereka yang mengecewakan (tidak membela dan menolong) mereka sehingga tibanya hari Kiamat, mereka tetap dalam keadaan sedemikian" - HR Muslim

I dont know why but the feeling suddenly changed. I really love to teach, dont get me wrong. And i still am. Those who know me can confirm that i love to teach.

Couple of weeks ago i resented to my boss that i would like to postpone my post-graduate training until next year. Its nothing really, considering i teach, became acting secretary, monitor, became tutor etc etc and it made me feel awkward to leave all this before i can fully enjoy it. Now when Dato’ had finally agreed, theres a slip of conscience that i might made the biggest mistake of my life.

“To pursue the greatest of need” - i still remember my little dicusion with little fahmi. Little that i know that he will not remain very little afterwards. No pun intended! But knowledge is the greatest of need, as it is the practical answer to solve almost all problems.

But in order to pursue, you must well-equiped. You must be aware, that you NEED to do this. once you think its optional, it will not became a hunt anymore. It’ll be some exercise that you may choose to top at any time. And i just asked to be demoted from “pursue” tu “exercise”.

So, afterwards i was left with this great empty void, the feeling that you get after you’d tressed too much and you left with nothing to do except to do nothing. The fear of the impending oncoming uncertainty. The fear of the unknown.

“am i still what i think i am?”

Deary God!

Comic books lying undisterbed next to me, my fingersm wrists, neck, back, all cramp and stiff from sitting too long, eyes straining wathing every pixels, reading every hints, my plants unwatered - welcome to Hellgate -London.

well, i know i have too much obligation to fulfil but right now, its weekend. the MMC is closed, Dean of internal medicine of HUKM and her ever unhelpful personal assistant are on weekend leave. Am i suppose to worry sick about my master application day in day out? i know the answer is yes, but right now i need a 12 hour period of pure gaming pleasure.

hopefully there will be no problems with me enrolling this coming december. with the MMC problem and time-frame, i cant see how i’m suppose to start the program this December.

anyhow, good luck to all of my mates and colleague, its been a fun and challanging life in Belfast. I just want it to stop now and start living my reality here in Malaysia.

oh, and i need to buy a couch first.

Been working for almost 2 weeks, i can hardly move my big bum around the place without stop and ask for directions, after couple of agonising seconds trying to match a name to the face i was talking to. Changes? I dont mind. But dear God, how I hate abrupt changes.

I met so many people, beautiful inside and outside, with better ‘akhlak’ both in actions and conversation. I just hope deep down they tolerate me just the same as i know, i’ve behaved too much like the westerners. Too direct. Too apprehensive. Too suggestive.

And its cold here. Its not just the air-conditioning.its the whole building that is cold. who ever told me malaysia is baking hot better work with me in this building! I could do another body heat inside the room. In fact, all 16 of us could may well do!

I love being here, bits by bits, everyday, for the rest of my life.

been off for the past 4 days. spent my time mostly chatting with prople, share experiences, problems, and solutions.

they are real people by the way, not just random people spend their time chatting away on mIRC channels. these are people who have jobs and wives and kids and problems to tend; who have knowledge and experiences and thoughts and wisdom on whats real and whats realistic; who are bold and courageous and brave and stout on saying whats wrong and whats wrong but acceptable; who have charisma and honour and prestigue and dignity to say no and keep saying no.

well, these people are old, and while their movement and excitement dwindlind to less and less energetic and  lively, the exchange for these are wisdom and character maturity that can only be learned from many mistakes and developed in time. indeed, youth is wasted on the young.

thinking that this is my second post, and might be the last i wrote, provided i hit the ’save’ button first, i want to write something special, summarising my internet chatting with these people about life and the fruits of it.

Have ou ever heard a concept called devotion? get one now, its NEVER too late for one. weather you get the right one or not, it doesnt matter, as long as you have one. truth shall emerge later when you devoting yourself to someone or something; how can the truth runaway from knowledge- and your eagerness in seeking it, when it is promised to those who seek knowledge to start with…

get one now. those who stand for nothing, fall for anything.

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Rahim

As i sit here, i wonder how am i actually going to manage writing blog? lets started with book review, shall we? and i assure, this ‘blog’ will be just another ‘conversation’, like plenty others that happened each and everyday, in my mind between me, my conscieous and consientiousness. to those who think i spelt wrong, screw you americans ! spelling, like recipes for delicious dessert and size of your laptop’s memory, are things to understand and not to boast; as long as you know its edible who cares it pronounced ‘to-MAA-to’ or ‘to-MAY-to’?

right. back to the point. as ia m currently working in a night shift, i cant complete a book in my usual speed. i am currently engaged with Alexander McCall Smith’s superb 44 Scotland Street. Its so plain, but suprisingly plain (Todd’s trip to london). Its dragging, but purposefully dragging (pat’s dinner with her neighbour). Some of the dialogues are excruciating (bertie and his mum) and plots are slow at certain points where it shouldn’t be (peploe’s painting), but i am rewarded (or punished, depends on who are you) with the richness of characters and purposeless side-kicks’ adventures reflecting how unpredictable life is.

I have no idea (yet) the connection between pushy parents and antropologist, but i’m hoping to find out in the finishing of this book, which should be anytime soon. and i suppose, like those boring films that i like and boring dvds collection that i own, this book could be ‘like watching the paint dry’ moments.

To conclude, i have not finished reading the book yet, but the prospect of enjoying this book is still unclear at the moment.

To those who continue to read this far, congratulation.